Holy wow.
Amazing.
We're in Roswell tonight. No extraterrestrial activity as yet. We'll keep you updated.
Tomorrow off to the caverns and staying with relatives tomorrow night. Looking forward to some good stories and family history lessons...and general re-connecting with my people! :)
It's been a great adventure. Thanks for reading and supporting me through all my rants and heartbreaks. I'm sure this will continue when I go north in a couple weeks. Not surprising that there being goats there waiting for me to meet is a huge comfort to me... I decided not to bring Frida home with me...but am thinking perhaps when I do have a farm, I may come down and adopt a daughter of hers...or her and her daughters...and one of Maddy's puppies. They think she might be pregnant...or will be soon...what with all her gallivanting around with those ornery boys and all. Anyhoo.
It works out in my fantasy world.
*Also, if you're interested...this made me feel even better about the whole disbudding concept and practice, recommended by Alyssa. She makes really good points, and I feel a lot better about her system for the procedure... I feel like the process we used was pretty bare-bones and not nearly as thought-through as hers... But I'm gone...so I'm not going to get into it. Really great article though: http://fiascofarm.com/goats/disbudding.htm
Much love and many hugs.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
On the Road
Howdy!
Well, after some sad goodbyes yesterday, Nicole and I went up to Santa Fe to the Georgia O'Keefe Museum. We only saw two blatant paintings of the lady bits. Very cool museum though. Wandered around the square, then headed to ABQ where we got a couple drinks with Steph and Stephen and had a late dinner at a Thai place. So tasty. :)
Heading to White Sands today, Carlsbad tomorrow, and Kansas City on Friday. Surreal!
It was hard to let Frida go... I was crying and the mamas came up taking turns sniffing and licking my face. Dog came up and rubbed her head on me and then wandered off... I couldn't go back in the barn after I'd finished feeding...Don't think I'd ever come out... <3 Sigh. I'm not built for these goodbyes. I think after a couple more years of this I will be more than satisfied to just have a piece of land and never leave it again for a long long time...
<3 julia.
Well, after some sad goodbyes yesterday, Nicole and I went up to Santa Fe to the Georgia O'Keefe Museum. We only saw two blatant paintings of the lady bits. Very cool museum though. Wandered around the square, then headed to ABQ where we got a couple drinks with Steph and Stephen and had a late dinner at a Thai place. So tasty. :)
Heading to White Sands today, Carlsbad tomorrow, and Kansas City on Friday. Surreal!
It was hard to let Frida go... I was crying and the mamas came up taking turns sniffing and licking my face. Dog came up and rubbed her head on me and then wandered off... I couldn't go back in the barn after I'd finished feeding...Don't think I'd ever come out... <3 Sigh. I'm not built for these goodbyes. I think after a couple more years of this I will be more than satisfied to just have a piece of land and never leave it again for a long long time...
<3 julia.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Torture.
Torture is the word of the day.
After morning feeding and just before lunch, Ed decided to start de-horning the babies. We gathered all the ones with little nubbins of horns and put them in a small pen. One by one, Stephen and Ed took a baby out and put them in a torture box. Oh, I mean a "holding" box - a narrow rectangular box, just wide enough to slide the baby down into - a board between its front and back legs, and a small hole out the front with a pad thing so their heads can be held down. Ed puts a lid on the box, sits on top and Stephen holds the head of the baby down hard, with its ears pulled to the side...then Ed puts a hot electric iron - a little circle shape - over the nubbins and burns the tissue surrounding the horn bud - first the left, then the right. The baby screams, the smell of burnt hair wafts by, they lift the lid, and then mamabeargoatmama descends and whisks them away to offer cuddles and bottles of warm goat milk. I expected this to be incredibly horrifying to watch. As the time approached I started getting choked up and my eyes were watering... But after the first few babies, I saw that they started screaming upon being put in the box, and the intensity of their crying didn't change all that much with the iron... I mean, I'm sure it hurt like hell, but other than being a bit dazed afterward, they didn't seem especially tender. By this evening they were all playfully headbutting each other.
Despite the lack of blood curdling screams, it did hurt to see the lid lifted, and this lively creature sitting there totally still and resigned... Many of them, when I picked them up and held them for a while just laid limp in my arms. Many thoughts throughout this experience... This is probably less painful than getting gorged by a sibling's horn later in life...and definitely makes them easier to handle... But I also wondered if fighting and what not is more of an issue with large herds, and that perhaps this whole de-horning thing is yet another one of these unintended consequences/necessities of scale? It was also interesting that all the babies in the pen were milling about generally happy when it began, but as the screaming continued and their numbers dwindled (we did close to 30 of them) they began moving, still with their tails wagging, to the farthest corner of the pen from where Stephen had been picking them out. If you'd just walked over in the middle you wouldn't have noticed, and they would have seemed completely oblivious to the shouts....but watching them throughout the process it was clear that they sensed something dangerous was happening to their peers... Yet another situation where their awareness is more acute than it seemed.
Oh, and when they finish burning the tissue they spray the nubs with an antiseptic solution thing that contains purple dye...So when it was over I had a bunch of purple and charcoal-y marks on my face and neck and arms... Pobrecitas.
After this fun experience (sigh) we had lunch, went out to check on a mama in the barn, which soon turned into even more heart-wrenching drama when after about 10 min with hooves sticking out and the water broken, and over an hour of contractions without hardly any dilation, Ed gave this mama oxytocin and then started reaching in. I, as usual, had to kneel in front of the mama and put an arm around her, so that when she tried to escape Ed's reach she wouldn't be able to get away. Ed tried pulling gently along with the contractions, but the baby wouldn't budge, and when he reached in a bit further, he could tell the head was there, but it was twisted in a weird way so as to block it up against her pelvis bone or something crazy along those lines....... So he had to reach further to try to adjust the baby's position, and the mama just wailed and bellowed and gnashed her teeth...her ears went up, her tongue was hanging out to the side and turned white, and her eyes were rolling back so you could barely see the pupils... She'd stretch her neck against the straw and then thrash a bit while Ed pulled. It was torture. Several times she rubbed her head against my stomach and pushed against me, burying her nose and forehead into me, grunting. Then she'd lift her head and exchange sniffs with me nose to nose and she'd make little whimpers and lick my cheek. Ahhhhhhhh... I was near tears, but made me think of my days at the rape crisis center, when they told us that it was ok to cry when someone shared their story, but that you should never respond more strongly than they were - you had to stay in control, etc... Sooooo...I didn't cry. I offered her my fingers and told her she could bite them if it would help - she could take them clear off if that would take away some of the anguish she was going through...she didn't. She just licked me. Aiya.
To make a long story slightly shorter, Ed pulled the baby out. It was a massive buck, rivaling the size of Bruno when he was born... And Ed left to get some stuff done, and about 10 minutes later, I had to pull the second one. I held his one exposed leg and got my other hand around the neck, but I remember looking at her skin around the opening - how taught and stretched it was - and thought "there's no way this can stretch any further". I suppose it must have, because the baby came out. Another massive buckling. Within a few minutes she was standing and licking them down. The first buckling is in bad shape...He still hasn't stood up and has only taken the colostrum that we've forcefully drained down his throat for him... I hope he'll be ok. <3
I think we had 9 babies today. One born dead...so it would have been ten. I've lost exact count, to be honest, of how many babies we've had total. And by the end of the day today I couldn't honestly remember what the first baby of the day looked like, or if that black and tan one was from this afternoon or yesterday morning... I don't know if I've just maxed out or am checking out or what, but it's become almost impossible to keep it all straight in my head.
After giving the babies their colostrum and treating navels, we fed the other bottle babies again, had a couple hour break, and then had evening chores and feeding... finished at 9:30. I'm going to get something to eat and crash. One more full day of this...
And I've been thinking about Frida...and how really, unless I plan to keep her myself there's no reason to take her up there with me... And the chances of me having the money or the land are slim to none... Sooo... I dunno. We'll see. I'll keep you updated. <3
After morning feeding and just before lunch, Ed decided to start de-horning the babies. We gathered all the ones with little nubbins of horns and put them in a small pen. One by one, Stephen and Ed took a baby out and put them in a torture box. Oh, I mean a "holding" box - a narrow rectangular box, just wide enough to slide the baby down into - a board between its front and back legs, and a small hole out the front with a pad thing so their heads can be held down. Ed puts a lid on the box, sits on top and Stephen holds the head of the baby down hard, with its ears pulled to the side...then Ed puts a hot electric iron - a little circle shape - over the nubbins and burns the tissue surrounding the horn bud - first the left, then the right. The baby screams, the smell of burnt hair wafts by, they lift the lid, and then mamabeargoatmama descends and whisks them away to offer cuddles and bottles of warm goat milk. I expected this to be incredibly horrifying to watch. As the time approached I started getting choked up and my eyes were watering... But after the first few babies, I saw that they started screaming upon being put in the box, and the intensity of their crying didn't change all that much with the iron... I mean, I'm sure it hurt like hell, but other than being a bit dazed afterward, they didn't seem especially tender. By this evening they were all playfully headbutting each other.
Despite the lack of blood curdling screams, it did hurt to see the lid lifted, and this lively creature sitting there totally still and resigned... Many of them, when I picked them up and held them for a while just laid limp in my arms. Many thoughts throughout this experience... This is probably less painful than getting gorged by a sibling's horn later in life...and definitely makes them easier to handle... But I also wondered if fighting and what not is more of an issue with large herds, and that perhaps this whole de-horning thing is yet another one of these unintended consequences/necessities of scale? It was also interesting that all the babies in the pen were milling about generally happy when it began, but as the screaming continued and their numbers dwindled (we did close to 30 of them) they began moving, still with their tails wagging, to the farthest corner of the pen from where Stephen had been picking them out. If you'd just walked over in the middle you wouldn't have noticed, and they would have seemed completely oblivious to the shouts....but watching them throughout the process it was clear that they sensed something dangerous was happening to their peers... Yet another situation where their awareness is more acute than it seemed.
Oh, and when they finish burning the tissue they spray the nubs with an antiseptic solution thing that contains purple dye...So when it was over I had a bunch of purple and charcoal-y marks on my face and neck and arms... Pobrecitas.
After this fun experience (sigh) we had lunch, went out to check on a mama in the barn, which soon turned into even more heart-wrenching drama when after about 10 min with hooves sticking out and the water broken, and over an hour of contractions without hardly any dilation, Ed gave this mama oxytocin and then started reaching in. I, as usual, had to kneel in front of the mama and put an arm around her, so that when she tried to escape Ed's reach she wouldn't be able to get away. Ed tried pulling gently along with the contractions, but the baby wouldn't budge, and when he reached in a bit further, he could tell the head was there, but it was twisted in a weird way so as to block it up against her pelvis bone or something crazy along those lines....... So he had to reach further to try to adjust the baby's position, and the mama just wailed and bellowed and gnashed her teeth...her ears went up, her tongue was hanging out to the side and turned white, and her eyes were rolling back so you could barely see the pupils... She'd stretch her neck against the straw and then thrash a bit while Ed pulled. It was torture. Several times she rubbed her head against my stomach and pushed against me, burying her nose and forehead into me, grunting. Then she'd lift her head and exchange sniffs with me nose to nose and she'd make little whimpers and lick my cheek. Ahhhhhhhh... I was near tears, but made me think of my days at the rape crisis center, when they told us that it was ok to cry when someone shared their story, but that you should never respond more strongly than they were - you had to stay in control, etc... Sooooo...I didn't cry. I offered her my fingers and told her she could bite them if it would help - she could take them clear off if that would take away some of the anguish she was going through...she didn't. She just licked me. Aiya.
To make a long story slightly shorter, Ed pulled the baby out. It was a massive buck, rivaling the size of Bruno when he was born... And Ed left to get some stuff done, and about 10 minutes later, I had to pull the second one. I held his one exposed leg and got my other hand around the neck, but I remember looking at her skin around the opening - how taught and stretched it was - and thought "there's no way this can stretch any further". I suppose it must have, because the baby came out. Another massive buckling. Within a few minutes she was standing and licking them down. The first buckling is in bad shape...He still hasn't stood up and has only taken the colostrum that we've forcefully drained down his throat for him... I hope he'll be ok. <3
I think we had 9 babies today. One born dead...so it would have been ten. I've lost exact count, to be honest, of how many babies we've had total. And by the end of the day today I couldn't honestly remember what the first baby of the day looked like, or if that black and tan one was from this afternoon or yesterday morning... I don't know if I've just maxed out or am checking out or what, but it's become almost impossible to keep it all straight in my head.
After giving the babies their colostrum and treating navels, we fed the other bottle babies again, had a couple hour break, and then had evening chores and feeding... finished at 9:30. I'm going to get something to eat and crash. One more full day of this...
And I've been thinking about Frida...and how really, unless I plan to keep her myself there's no reason to take her up there with me... And the chances of me having the money or the land are slim to none... Sooo... I dunno. We'll see. I'll keep you updated. <3
decisions decisions...
A few weeks ago I noticed a little doe-ling with her hooves dangling over the side of the 2 ft. plywood pen just looking out at the world with a curious little grin. She was black with white speckled ears and a white speckled nose, and she had a little white mustache on her forehead. I named her Frida. She took a liking to me and we started a routine of daily cuddles. I definitely spend time with all the kids, but she knew that my lap was hers whenever she wanted it. Which was (and is) true.
So I fell for this little doe...and then started having fantasies about finding a way to keep her in my life... I imagined bringing her to my next farm and spending evenings racing her in a pasture and cuddling with her on a porch swing (until she gets too big). Very Where the Red Fern Grows-esque...or My Friend Flicka-ish... or pick any other child-meets-mammal-and-falls-in-love story. Then I imagine myself on my farm in five years, with my Frida and maybe two or three of her daughters hanging out in the barn on a snowy morning all huddled down in fresh straw. The thing is, I didn't think it was really possible. So it was safe to think that I wanted all these things. And then I sent a half-way joking email to the next farm with a photo of Frida and myself with a little note asking if they'd like to add a nubian to their herd.
The first shock is that they write back and say it might be possible - though they don't need any more in their herd, they know someone with nubians who might be interested, or she could just stay there with me this year on the farm. The second shock was when I called my mother and she didn't instantly say "are you crazy?!?!". Instead I got a "wellllll...." and then asked some good questions...raised some good concerns...and then said it might be possible. Possible. So these two, plus Mike & Ed saying "Hell Yes, Take Her. Take TWO. Take THREE." all made me start wondering if it might actually be...an....option? Like...in reality...not just in my head.
So here's what I'm thinking...
Why this is insane and a really bad idea:
1. It affects way more people than just me: my friend and ride home, my dad (and ride to ames?), my folks in ames, my mom driving us to WI, the new farm, whoever takes her if I decide not to keep her...
2. That's a lot of car time for Frida and her doe companion...a lot of transition. And maybe that's not fair to ask of a four-soon-to-be-five week old doe-ling...
3. I'd be taking her away from all her little friends.
4. What if she doesn't like Wisconsin? What if she hates humidity and long winters?
5. What if she decides she doesn't even really like me and it turns out I was just the lady with the milk and she's actually a schmoozer?...
6. Financially, I'm about as stable as a 16 yr old boy.
7. If I really want a goat when I have money and land and...a steady income, I'll be able to get one. And I can take my time and find a really cool one (like Frida if I want) and only drive her across town.
Why this is possibly not quite as insane as I thought:
1. I adore her and she likes to sit on my lap and touch noses and chew on my hair and buttons.
2. I would sell my organs (or take a job at Walmart) to make sure she has what she needs....wait. maybe that makes this crazier? :/
3. Nobody I've told this possible plan to has outright said I'm crazy or looked at my cross-eyed.....soooo......
4. Maybe if she and her companion get big enough I can train them to pull a cart so that I won't ever need to buy a car....
5. If I take her and another doe it will make room for two more does to stay here on this dairy...so I'll know that at least 4 little does will be in good-enough homes, and might save two from being sold for meat...
6. As my sister said, this is, possibly, a huge commitment, but one that might change my life in a way that gives me more direction.
7. ...I love her.
If I take her and I keep her we will both be well. If I take her and I give her away to a good home, we will both be well. If I leave her here, we will both be well...after a relatively short period of grieving and possibly a while longer missing seeing her little face every day. But no matter what...we'll both be well.
Which kind of makes it harder.
I brought her into the hut this evening to see what she'd do. I told myself if she runs back out to the pen then she wants to stay, and if she comes and curls up in my lap then she wants to come with me. Yes, I do realize that I'm not a 10 yr old girl...and, yes, if I'd had a magic 8 ball I would have used it. But instead, she did what any kid plopped down in a new place would do: she sniffed around until she found a zipper...and then chewed on it. She was curious about things. She got on my lap temporarily, then showed far more interest in the yellow pillow next to me. I told her if I brought her with me I would make sure she had a yellow pillow.
I can't believe I tried to bribe a baby goat.
So she didn't have a clear answer either. When I put her back down in the pen she stood at the fence and wagged her tail and bleated at me. I can't tell if she was bleating for me or the yellow pillow...or the zipper.
Sigh... Let me know your thoughts.
So I fell for this little doe...and then started having fantasies about finding a way to keep her in my life... I imagined bringing her to my next farm and spending evenings racing her in a pasture and cuddling with her on a porch swing (until she gets too big). Very Where the Red Fern Grows-esque...or My Friend Flicka-ish... or pick any other child-meets-mammal-and-falls-in-love story. Then I imagine myself on my farm in five years, with my Frida and maybe two or three of her daughters hanging out in the barn on a snowy morning all huddled down in fresh straw. The thing is, I didn't think it was really possible. So it was safe to think that I wanted all these things. And then I sent a half-way joking email to the next farm with a photo of Frida and myself with a little note asking if they'd like to add a nubian to their herd.
The first shock is that they write back and say it might be possible - though they don't need any more in their herd, they know someone with nubians who might be interested, or she could just stay there with me this year on the farm. The second shock was when I called my mother and she didn't instantly say "are you crazy?!?!". Instead I got a "wellllll...." and then asked some good questions...raised some good concerns...and then said it might be possible. Possible. So these two, plus Mike & Ed saying "Hell Yes, Take Her. Take TWO. Take THREE." all made me start wondering if it might actually be...an....option? Like...in reality...not just in my head.
So here's what I'm thinking...
Why this is insane and a really bad idea:
1. It affects way more people than just me: my friend and ride home, my dad (and ride to ames?), my folks in ames, my mom driving us to WI, the new farm, whoever takes her if I decide not to keep her...
2. That's a lot of car time for Frida and her doe companion...a lot of transition. And maybe that's not fair to ask of a four-soon-to-be-five week old doe-ling...
3. I'd be taking her away from all her little friends.
4. What if she doesn't like Wisconsin? What if she hates humidity and long winters?
5. What if she decides she doesn't even really like me and it turns out I was just the lady with the milk and she's actually a schmoozer?...
6. Financially, I'm about as stable as a 16 yr old boy.
7. If I really want a goat when I have money and land and...a steady income, I'll be able to get one. And I can take my time and find a really cool one (like Frida if I want) and only drive her across town.
Why this is possibly not quite as insane as I thought:
1. I adore her and she likes to sit on my lap and touch noses and chew on my hair and buttons.
2. I would sell my organs (or take a job at Walmart) to make sure she has what she needs....wait. maybe that makes this crazier? :/
3. Nobody I've told this possible plan to has outright said I'm crazy or looked at my cross-eyed.....soooo......
4. Maybe if she and her companion get big enough I can train them to pull a cart so that I won't ever need to buy a car....
5. If I take her and another doe it will make room for two more does to stay here on this dairy...so I'll know that at least 4 little does will be in good-enough homes, and might save two from being sold for meat...
6. As my sister said, this is, possibly, a huge commitment, but one that might change my life in a way that gives me more direction.
7. ...I love her.
If I take her and I keep her we will both be well. If I take her and I give her away to a good home, we will both be well. If I leave her here, we will both be well...after a relatively short period of grieving and possibly a while longer missing seeing her little face every day. But no matter what...we'll both be well.
Which kind of makes it harder.
I brought her into the hut this evening to see what she'd do. I told myself if she runs back out to the pen then she wants to stay, and if she comes and curls up in my lap then she wants to come with me. Yes, I do realize that I'm not a 10 yr old girl...and, yes, if I'd had a magic 8 ball I would have used it. But instead, she did what any kid plopped down in a new place would do: she sniffed around until she found a zipper...and then chewed on it. She was curious about things. She got on my lap temporarily, then showed far more interest in the yellow pillow next to me. I told her if I brought her with me I would make sure she had a yellow pillow.
I can't believe I tried to bribe a baby goat.
So she didn't have a clear answer either. When I put her back down in the pen she stood at the fence and wagged her tail and bleated at me. I can't tell if she was bleating for me or the yellow pillow...or the zipper.
Sigh... Let me know your thoughts.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Last Santa Fe market!
I went to my last market this morning! Woohoo! With one exception I've only helped set up and take down, and spend all the in between time wandering SF and going to museums and coffeeshops. Today was great though - set up, then wandered an artists market a bit, met up with Maria and Mark again, then got brunch with a friend of a DC friend and her mother. It was absolutely fabulous. She and her fiance-now-husband sailed from...I think Boston (or maybe somewhere in CA...I suddenly can't remember) to Australia the Pacific way, stopping an average-ish of 4 days at each port they chose...including a week in Tahiti with their moms. And she'd heard of Joshua Slocum - even read the book. Crazy awesome. :)
Funny how fabulous people come out of the woodwork just when you're about to leave...
But I'm still ready to go.
Pics from market:
hard cheeses on display:
bucket-o-cheeeeeese:
ed & robin doing their thaaaang (aka: selling cheese):
maria & mark being silly.
the road to santa fe...perhaps the last time?
spring equinox, full moon, & ed&mike anniversary shindig this evening. bunch of people at the dairy tomorrow...then nicole arrives monday! :) Aiya.
Hope you're all well. Miss you. ~j.
Funny how fabulous people come out of the woodwork just when you're about to leave...
But I'm still ready to go.
Pics from market:
hard cheeses on display:
bucket-o-cheeeeeese:
ed & robin doing their thaaaang (aka: selling cheese):
maria & mark being silly.
the road to santa fe...perhaps the last time?
spring equinox, full moon, & ed&mike anniversary shindig this evening. bunch of people at the dairy tomorrow...then nicole arrives monday! :) Aiya.
Hope you're all well. Miss you. ~j.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Dog's Home! :) :) :) :)
So last week they had to take Dog (the goat) off the farm because she had a goiter/mass on her neck that they needed to get checked out by the vet, and feared it might be something that could burst and infect the other goats... So she had to go stay up at the house. They said that she was totally stressed - whenever she saw any movement in the yard or house she'd start hollering from their little barn. He brought a couple other old old goats to keep her company, but it didn't help. Well, they just got results back and she's fine. They're not sure what it is, but doesn't seem to be infectious...so they brought her back to the farm today. I saw her in the pen and climbed the fence and called to her, and she came up with her tail wagging, put her hooves on my lap (I'd kneeled down to hug her), and started rubbing her head alllll over me. So cute. She'd interrupt our cuddles to headbutt nearby goats...all with their tails wagging. I'm glad that she recognized that I am not the headbutting type. So obvious that she'd missed her herd, and they'd missed her. I just imagined all these older ladies swarming one of their own who'd just come back from the hospital or a long trip - hugging and sharing their "welcome home"s and "we missed you"s... So she's home. All is well. Now she can go back to mothering all the little orphans as she does. Because that's just how she is. <3
random thoughts.
this week has been flying. i went to albuquerque on wednesday...went to the bank and post office and got a haircut. (i no longer have a budding mullet. i feel good about this.) by noon i was done with the city. this stay is the first time i've ever lived alone, and the first time i've lived in the country...and i'm smitten with both. with an attached bathroom, a car, and a few friends nearby...and perhaps a bit more humidity...this would be perfect... anyways, stephen picked me up and we hung out for a while, ate some marvelous bread he'd just made, and then went out to a park along the rio grande lined with leaning cottonwoods... i'd almost forgotten how much i miss being out in "wild" lands after last year hopscotching around midwestern remnant prairies and small groves of oak savannah restoration projects.
did you know what we call cedars in the midwest are actually junipers? not cedars at all? interesting.
we had a nice dinner:
and they took me back only to find that all but my hut was locked - the red barn (kitchen & water cooler) and the milk parlor/creamery building (the bathroom). awesome. grumblegrumble.
yesterday afternoon my friend maria arrived with her boyfriend. just ten or twenty minutes before their arrival we had a burst of 5 babies - 3 mamas. one of the mamas birthed two, but when i approached i saw that the sack was really thick...and had a feeling it wasn't alive/fully developed... so i had to use my fingernails to tear the sack open (eew) just to be sure, and there was a tiiiiiiiiiiiiiny little goat baby with a silly little grin and its eyes closed...as if it were having an oh-so-sweet dream... part of me hoped that it was alive just because seeing this little teacup chihuahua wobbling on its four tiny hooves would make me melt beyond melting... but i put my hand on its head and start to lift it, and when my fingers slid to the underside of its face they sunk into where the eye should be... no eye...just socket. my heart and stomach flipped and i actually jerked my hand away. felt like something from a horror film... like it was going to jump up and sprout fangs and lunge for my jugular. gives me the willies when i think about it.
it was a fun night of lively conversations and awesome food:
funny that i only have photos of food and no people... hm.
it was so nice to walk in this morning to the red barn and have two friends greet me. i think the first time i really understood how important community was was when i lived in china...because i didn't have one. i was alone or teaching or with drew, and as much as i adored him...one person isn't enough. actually...i've been thinking it might be worse...because then you focus all your discontent on them and it causes so much unnecessary tension and needless disappointments. when you're alone, you can just do your own thing and deal with your loneliness by yourself...and have no one to blame your lack of satisfaction on...no expectation that someone else can fix it for you. hm. anyways, so moral of the story: i like living/being alone, but i need my friends like woah. can't wait to move on to more of a community... we'll see. :)
i am going to miss these babies so so so so much. i think i bored maria and mark half to death with all my goat stories. it's funny...this applies more to when there were 80+ of them needing to be bottle fed before we got them on buckets...but still...it's funny that depending on my mood i can walk into that barn with the bucket of bottles and feel totally maternal and at home and calm... and their little expectant faces and cries and seeking upper lip and head jabs on the underside of my thigh all just warm my heart and make me feel at home... as inviting as the bed in the guest bedroom at my dad's. you crawl in and you're just immersed in coziness. how my friend violet once described a particularly comfortable couch as "womby". haha. :) anyways... then there are other days, especially nights, when i walk in and feel stressed and overwhelmed by their need...like...it hurts to see them so dependent and vulnerable...left to the whim of those responsible for feeding them. all little orphans because most of their mothers didn't bond long enough to know who they are. orphans, though they spend all day and night in the same pens with their mothers...
and sometimes it really is so bittersweet to have a newborn on my lap...practically bathed in milk since half of it escapes through the seal of the plastic nipple and the corner of the kid's mouth... and they just look up at you making their little-fish-sucker-face, eyes wide open, just neeeeeeeeding. and seeing them get frustrated and cry out when they can't focus enough to latch to the nipple... they know what they want, they just can't make it happen. and i hate sticking my finger in their mouth and wedging the bottle in, but if i don't sometimes it would take hours to feed ten of them because they just poke their head all around the air surrounding the bottle...never quite on target. i don't know. it makes me think about how huge the whole motherhood thing is. and if i feel all this so intensely as the surrogate caretaker of these kids of a different species, having my own child might actually kill me. so, thanks erich & al, for taking care of the grandbaby needs of our parents. <3 i owe you one (or two ;) ).
off to santa fe tonight and tomorrow morning. back to hang out sat. night with steph and stephen again...sunday we may de-horn the babies (ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! :/ )...then my nicole arrives. :)
oh, how the time goes. much love and many hugs to you all...
did you know what we call cedars in the midwest are actually junipers? not cedars at all? interesting.
we had a nice dinner:
beautiful! :)
and they took me back only to find that all but my hut was locked - the red barn (kitchen & water cooler) and the milk parlor/creamery building (the bathroom). awesome. grumblegrumble.
yesterday afternoon my friend maria arrived with her boyfriend. just ten or twenty minutes before their arrival we had a burst of 5 babies - 3 mamas. one of the mamas birthed two, but when i approached i saw that the sack was really thick...and had a feeling it wasn't alive/fully developed... so i had to use my fingernails to tear the sack open (eew) just to be sure, and there was a tiiiiiiiiiiiiiny little goat baby with a silly little grin and its eyes closed...as if it were having an oh-so-sweet dream... part of me hoped that it was alive just because seeing this little teacup chihuahua wobbling on its four tiny hooves would make me melt beyond melting... but i put my hand on its head and start to lift it, and when my fingers slid to the underside of its face they sunk into where the eye should be... no eye...just socket. my heart and stomach flipped and i actually jerked my hand away. felt like something from a horror film... like it was going to jump up and sprout fangs and lunge for my jugular. gives me the willies when i think about it.
it was a fun night of lively conversations and awesome food:
funny that i only have photos of food and no people... hm.
it was so nice to walk in this morning to the red barn and have two friends greet me. i think the first time i really understood how important community was was when i lived in china...because i didn't have one. i was alone or teaching or with drew, and as much as i adored him...one person isn't enough. actually...i've been thinking it might be worse...because then you focus all your discontent on them and it causes so much unnecessary tension and needless disappointments. when you're alone, you can just do your own thing and deal with your loneliness by yourself...and have no one to blame your lack of satisfaction on...no expectation that someone else can fix it for you. hm. anyways, so moral of the story: i like living/being alone, but i need my friends like woah. can't wait to move on to more of a community... we'll see. :)
i am going to miss these babies so so so so much. i think i bored maria and mark half to death with all my goat stories. it's funny...this applies more to when there were 80+ of them needing to be bottle fed before we got them on buckets...but still...it's funny that depending on my mood i can walk into that barn with the bucket of bottles and feel totally maternal and at home and calm... and their little expectant faces and cries and seeking upper lip and head jabs on the underside of my thigh all just warm my heart and make me feel at home... as inviting as the bed in the guest bedroom at my dad's. you crawl in and you're just immersed in coziness. how my friend violet once described a particularly comfortable couch as "womby". haha. :) anyways... then there are other days, especially nights, when i walk in and feel stressed and overwhelmed by their need...like...it hurts to see them so dependent and vulnerable...left to the whim of those responsible for feeding them. all little orphans because most of their mothers didn't bond long enough to know who they are. orphans, though they spend all day and night in the same pens with their mothers...
and sometimes it really is so bittersweet to have a newborn on my lap...practically bathed in milk since half of it escapes through the seal of the plastic nipple and the corner of the kid's mouth... and they just look up at you making their little-fish-sucker-face, eyes wide open, just neeeeeeeeding. and seeing them get frustrated and cry out when they can't focus enough to latch to the nipple... they know what they want, they just can't make it happen. and i hate sticking my finger in their mouth and wedging the bottle in, but if i don't sometimes it would take hours to feed ten of them because they just poke their head all around the air surrounding the bottle...never quite on target. i don't know. it makes me think about how huge the whole motherhood thing is. and if i feel all this so intensely as the surrogate caretaker of these kids of a different species, having my own child might actually kill me. so, thanks erich & al, for taking care of the grandbaby needs of our parents. <3 i owe you one (or two ;) ).
off to santa fe tonight and tomorrow morning. back to hang out sat. night with steph and stephen again...sunday we may de-horn the babies (ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! :/ )...then my nicole arrives. :)
oh, how the time goes. much love and many hugs to you all...
Sunday, March 13, 2011
moving on.
Well, many of the babies are gone and I'm another year older. There's probably a (second) patch of gray on the back of my head now for all 60 of the little ones taken in my absence Saturday morning. I still feel like I've betrayed them...and wonder what the remaining ones think of me - I disappear one morning and someone comes and takes away all their brothers and some of their sisters, and then someone comes and pierces their ears. :( They seemed glad to see me...but who knows how they really feel. I realized a couple days ago that, like puppies, you're not supposed to get rid of baby goats for several weeks - at least 5, I believe. But the oldest ones taken yesterday were only 3...many only 1 week old. Nothing to be done, though it breaks my heart.
Me & Attila Friday morning...final goodbye. :(
My Frida is here, and I've been overwhelming her with cuddles...She keeps coming back to me, so I think we're still friends. We had two more last Wednesday or Thursday, and two on Friday just before I left for Santa Fe...So we're up to 93... It would have been 99 if all of them had survived. Crazy.
I feel badly that so many of my posts have been so negative lately. Just a difficult time, I suppose... And you know how it is when you're coming to the end of something...it becomes harder to bite your tongue, tensions come to a head, patience is harder to come by...
I had a good birthday. Went out for dinner Friday night, fell asleep before 8pm and woke up at 7am (allergies wiped me ouuuuut) and went to help set up at farmers market in Santa Fe. When they were set I bought my weekly almond croissant and walked 2.3 miles to Museum Hill where I wandered the International Folk Art Museum. It restored a lot of my love and affection for people...seeing all the bizarre and quirky things people do - miniature doll houses, beautiful textiles, silver elevated shower shoes, paper stages for paper doll and marionette shows. They had dolls from all around the world - Germany, India, Uganda, Bolivia...And quilts and rugs and tapestries from tons of different countries - one quilt from Johnson County, Iowa. <3 I headed back to Santa Fe, drove home to the dairy and got ready for a potluck. Two of their friends, Mike, Ed, Ed's parents, and Stephen and his lady friend all came...It was potluck-ish and we grilled asparagus...sat around the table talking about Japan and goats and tsunamis and cheese... I was so touched by their gifts and kind words and hugs... A really nice end to my birthday. I spent most of Sunday hanging out with Stephen's Stephanie and had a really really really great time. I realized it was the first time since the last week of December that I've hung out with a girl in my age range. She, very patiently, let me vent about a lot of my frustrations here...and we talked about tons of random stuff, too...and hung out with the babies until we couldn't stand the wind anymore... A lovely day. Probably the best birthday present of the year. :) They also made me a carrot cake - my favorite, without even knowing it. :)
8 days left. I'm starting to check out. They've been hiring some more, and my tasks are slowing being phased into other peoples' hands, and I'm feeling really really good about that. This week should go quickly. Milking tonight, cheese tomorrow and Tuesday..Wednesday hopefully going to Albuquerque for the evening, Maria and her boyfriend coming to visit Thursday evening, Friday in Santa Fe, Saturday shin dig here at the dairy with Stephen and Stephanie again, and then my Nicole arrives a week from Monday! We'll probably take off Tuesday... and that's that. I'm guessing I won't be back here again...and while it will be hard to say goodbye to the goats, I'm ready. If you hadn't guessed.
First crocus of the year for me:
27. That's weird.
Thanks for letting me live, Mom. And thanks, Dad. <3
Me & Attila Friday morning...final goodbye. :(
I feel badly that so many of my posts have been so negative lately. Just a difficult time, I suppose... And you know how it is when you're coming to the end of something...it becomes harder to bite your tongue, tensions come to a head, patience is harder to come by...
I had a good birthday. Went out for dinner Friday night, fell asleep before 8pm and woke up at 7am (allergies wiped me ouuuuut) and went to help set up at farmers market in Santa Fe. When they were set I bought my weekly almond croissant and walked 2.3 miles to Museum Hill where I wandered the International Folk Art Museum. It restored a lot of my love and affection for people...seeing all the bizarre and quirky things people do - miniature doll houses, beautiful textiles, silver elevated shower shoes, paper stages for paper doll and marionette shows. They had dolls from all around the world - Germany, India, Uganda, Bolivia...And quilts and rugs and tapestries from tons of different countries - one quilt from Johnson County, Iowa. <3 I headed back to Santa Fe, drove home to the dairy and got ready for a potluck. Two of their friends, Mike, Ed, Ed's parents, and Stephen and his lady friend all came...It was potluck-ish and we grilled asparagus...sat around the table talking about Japan and goats and tsunamis and cheese... I was so touched by their gifts and kind words and hugs... A really nice end to my birthday. I spent most of Sunday hanging out with Stephen's Stephanie and had a really really really great time. I realized it was the first time since the last week of December that I've hung out with a girl in my age range. She, very patiently, let me vent about a lot of my frustrations here...and we talked about tons of random stuff, too...and hung out with the babies until we couldn't stand the wind anymore... A lovely day. Probably the best birthday present of the year. :) They also made me a carrot cake - my favorite, without even knowing it. :)
8 days left. I'm starting to check out. They've been hiring some more, and my tasks are slowing being phased into other peoples' hands, and I'm feeling really really good about that. This week should go quickly. Milking tonight, cheese tomorrow and Tuesday..Wednesday hopefully going to Albuquerque for the evening, Maria and her boyfriend coming to visit Thursday evening, Friday in Santa Fe, Saturday shin dig here at the dairy with Stephen and Stephanie again, and then my Nicole arrives a week from Monday! We'll probably take off Tuesday... and that's that. I'm guessing I won't be back here again...and while it will be hard to say goodbye to the goats, I'm ready. If you hadn't guessed.
First crocus of the year for me:
27. That's weird.
Thanks for letting me live, Mom. And thanks, Dad. <3
Thursday, March 10, 2011
my attila
this is my favorite little buck-ling. you've met him before... these are all the pics i have of him. i think he'll be the hardest one to see go...so if you happen to know anyone looking for a young buck, let me know...now, and i'll bring him to you in a dog crate in two weeks. seriously. i'm not joking. he's a sweeeeeetheart. really affectionate, but also, for those who've worked with kids: he's like the one little boy in every class who is kind of naughty, but not in a mean spirited way...just...spirited and energetic and impulsive. that's attila. you really ought to see his little corkscrew jumps. i haven't caught a really good one on camera...and i have to say goodbybe to him tomorrow. :( :( :( :( :(
i have some super cute videos, but they're not uploading for some reason... i'll work on it later... trust me, he's precious. so...seriously let me know. if you want to keep him for me for a couple years...until i have a place of my own......... <3 ...moooooom? ;)
farewells and vegetarianism
i might not survive this.
i've been trying not to think about the babies getting bought and taken away ever since i decided to come work on a goat dairy...and now the day is less than two days away. someone's coming saturday morning, while i'm in santa fe, to buy all but 20-30 of the biggest does....all the bucks...all the smaller ones....my attila... are going. and i don't know if it's for meat or for dairy or for a mix...
but, honestly, nobody buys 35 bucks to start a dairy... i'm not that naive.
i've been hanging out for an hour or two every afternoon just playing and cuddling with the kids out in the pen, but i was having a really hard time today...once i realized this was my last night with most of them...just started bawling... the first little face that met me at the fence was my frida. she followed me to my chair that i've had set up in view of the barn door where they run in and out all day, and the moment i sat down, climbed into my lap and rested her chin on my chest...and just sat with me there for an hour...napping and sniffing my face while i bawled. for a while she chewed on the hair sticking out in front of my ear...which turned the sobs into laughs...briefly. maddy came and rested her head on my lap, too, knocking the frolicking kids out of her way. funny that frida's and maddy's responses were so similar...these little girls of other species. i feel so deeply that there is so much more happening on an emotional level with these animals than we want to believe... and it blows my mind how different people are...that i ache to think of these little animals having an upset stomach...and someone else wouldn't think twice about killing them, to eat, of course... and i don't say this as a judgment - i honestly think absolutely no less of someone who chooses to eat meat... but where does this difference come from?
i was having a facebook exchange with my friend kate who was responding to a photo of bruno, and i asked how anyone could want to eat him...and she said that whoever wants to eat him should have to cuddle with him for a while first, and then see how (s)he feels about it... and i think there's truth to that. many people, it seems most of society, in fact, go to great lengths to avoid being close to the production of their food - especially of meat (obviously i'm not the first to note this)... and even those who work around it have to distance themselves. everyone knows that you don't name the pig you're going to butcher unless it's something snarky like "pork chop" or "bacon"... we do these things, i think, because as living things perhaps we have a natural desire to relate to other living things...and we're supposed to. i mean....maybe i'd feel differently working on a chicken farm. i strongly dislike the geese here, so maybe i should explore this more... but what if we let ourselves draw nearer to these other beings and allowed ourselves to have relationships with them as we do with dogs and cats and horses... i mean, what are we afraid of? that we won't be comfortable eating them anymore? is it better to keep ourselves distant and avoid connections so that we can do what we think we want to do? or to open to what might be possible...to how new ways of relating might change us? this kind of goes back to that kairos thing from the rambly walden post - being open to life changing us...
the day i went out and found the little buck smothered under its half-siblings...all the life drained out of him... it was so heartbreaking..so numbing...to see this exuberant little creature suddenly stilled and stiffened, not to mention imagining his fear and struggling in his last moments... i totally respect peoples' choice to eat meat... but i feel like fewer people would, or more would eat less, or would eat it with more reverence and less wastefulness...and would be more particular about where it comes from, if they thought about it as taking another living thing's life...instead of something they're entitled to. i think that's what i've had such a hard time ever since high school with my on-again-off-again commitments and re-commitments to being vegetarian... that every time i bite into meat i cannot separate it in my head from taking the breath out of some living creature somewhere...especially when i have alternatives... at times the flavor has trumped the principle, though i've never figured out how to deal with the guilt of it...which is why i think i keep coming back. i think vegetarianism is most often associated with deprivation (which it can be depending on your practice of it)...but i think it can also be a really eye-opening and maybe even spiritual practice... let's all join hands (and hooves) and sing kumbayah now.
i'm getting weird. i'll stop.
anyways. i know most of you aren't vegetarian...and a couple may think me barbarous for not being vegan (yet)...i really don't mean any of this as judgment... just thoughts i'm sorting through for my own life...
i've decided to just focus on frida for the next few days...she's staying. mike said he'd keep her, but if that changes for whatever reason...i'll just have to find her a home... she's my lifeline right now.
frida, and the puppy chow beth & dan sent. thanks guys. love you and miss you....and let me know if you want a little kid or two. ;) no....seriously. <3
i've been trying not to think about the babies getting bought and taken away ever since i decided to come work on a goat dairy...and now the day is less than two days away. someone's coming saturday morning, while i'm in santa fe, to buy all but 20-30 of the biggest does....all the bucks...all the smaller ones....my attila... are going. and i don't know if it's for meat or for dairy or for a mix...
but, honestly, nobody buys 35 bucks to start a dairy... i'm not that naive.
i've been hanging out for an hour or two every afternoon just playing and cuddling with the kids out in the pen, but i was having a really hard time today...once i realized this was my last night with most of them...just started bawling... the first little face that met me at the fence was my frida. she followed me to my chair that i've had set up in view of the barn door where they run in and out all day, and the moment i sat down, climbed into my lap and rested her chin on my chest...and just sat with me there for an hour...napping and sniffing my face while i bawled. for a while she chewed on the hair sticking out in front of my ear...which turned the sobs into laughs...briefly. maddy came and rested her head on my lap, too, knocking the frolicking kids out of her way. funny that frida's and maddy's responses were so similar...these little girls of other species. i feel so deeply that there is so much more happening on an emotional level with these animals than we want to believe... and it blows my mind how different people are...that i ache to think of these little animals having an upset stomach...and someone else wouldn't think twice about killing them, to eat, of course... and i don't say this as a judgment - i honestly think absolutely no less of someone who chooses to eat meat... but where does this difference come from?
i was having a facebook exchange with my friend kate who was responding to a photo of bruno, and i asked how anyone could want to eat him...and she said that whoever wants to eat him should have to cuddle with him for a while first, and then see how (s)he feels about it... and i think there's truth to that. many people, it seems most of society, in fact, go to great lengths to avoid being close to the production of their food - especially of meat (obviously i'm not the first to note this)... and even those who work around it have to distance themselves. everyone knows that you don't name the pig you're going to butcher unless it's something snarky like "pork chop" or "bacon"... we do these things, i think, because as living things perhaps we have a natural desire to relate to other living things...and we're supposed to. i mean....maybe i'd feel differently working on a chicken farm. i strongly dislike the geese here, so maybe i should explore this more... but what if we let ourselves draw nearer to these other beings and allowed ourselves to have relationships with them as we do with dogs and cats and horses... i mean, what are we afraid of? that we won't be comfortable eating them anymore? is it better to keep ourselves distant and avoid connections so that we can do what we think we want to do? or to open to what might be possible...to how new ways of relating might change us? this kind of goes back to that kairos thing from the rambly walden post - being open to life changing us...
the day i went out and found the little buck smothered under its half-siblings...all the life drained out of him... it was so heartbreaking..so numbing...to see this exuberant little creature suddenly stilled and stiffened, not to mention imagining his fear and struggling in his last moments... i totally respect peoples' choice to eat meat... but i feel like fewer people would, or more would eat less, or would eat it with more reverence and less wastefulness...and would be more particular about where it comes from, if they thought about it as taking another living thing's life...instead of something they're entitled to. i think that's what i've had such a hard time ever since high school with my on-again-off-again commitments and re-commitments to being vegetarian... that every time i bite into meat i cannot separate it in my head from taking the breath out of some living creature somewhere...especially when i have alternatives... at times the flavor has trumped the principle, though i've never figured out how to deal with the guilt of it...which is why i think i keep coming back. i think vegetarianism is most often associated with deprivation (which it can be depending on your practice of it)...but i think it can also be a really eye-opening and maybe even spiritual practice... let's all join hands (and hooves) and sing kumbayah now.
i'm getting weird. i'll stop.
anyways. i know most of you aren't vegetarian...and a couple may think me barbarous for not being vegan (yet)...i really don't mean any of this as judgment... just thoughts i'm sorting through for my own life...
i've decided to just focus on frida for the next few days...she's staying. mike said he'd keep her, but if that changes for whatever reason...i'll just have to find her a home... she's my lifeline right now.
frida, and the puppy chow beth & dan sent. thanks guys. love you and miss you....and let me know if you want a little kid or two. ;) no....seriously. <3
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
basta
So I think what's happening here, is that I'm tired and frustrated and a bit disillusioned about the dairy industry...disappointed that a small, quaint operation hasn't met my expectations, and irritated by what I see as a lack of organization and planning... There have been several times where I've felt like the goats haven't been the first priority...and they definitely don't make other animals on the farm a priority at all...and all of this has culminated in me having very little patience with and being hyper critical of all of their decisions. At this point they could probably say the sky is blue and I'd cross my arms and glare (in my head). So, yes. I need to get a grip and chill out. I'm leaving in less than two weeks. The goats will be fine. And if they're not fine, I won't be here to know about it...not that there's anything I'd be able to do anyways...
I talked to the wacky lady employee today...she just got back from a trip and was gone the last couple days...and she's had goats for over 15 years. I told her about the milk replacer thing and she told me that Mike and I were both right - Mike was right in that everyone uses it and the goats will probably be okay. I was right in that it's not the best thing for the kids, and if you use it according to the directions they will definitely get scours, which can be potentially serious, so you have to dilute it with almost twice as much water as what the directions ask for. Neither Mike nor I knew that last part. (Tho if it's even more diluted, doesn't that mean all the fats and vitamins they need are diluted as well?) She also says that he'd be crazy to swap them onto milk replacer straight up - that I was right about needing to mix it, but we should do it even more slowly than I'd suggested...because any change in their diet will mess with their systems. So part of me felt sheepish for making a big deal out of it, but also glad that I put up a fuss...since the extra time has revealed a compromise that will be far better for the kids. They're almost definitely going to go on milk replacer at some point, but this way we can start easing them into it very slowly over a period of a week or two instead of overnight. But I still feel like this would be better if they'd planned ahead so we could keep blending the goat and cow milk for the babies until they're sold or switched to solid feeds.
Also, I did not go lay down yesterday after the baby died. I started to, but knew my brain wouldn't stop. So I went and sat out in the barn to monitor the cuddle puddles and listened to an audio book...If a second layer of kids got too thick I'd go scoop them all off...If I heard someone crying I went to poke them. I was out there for a couple hours before feeding and may have saved at least 4 kids from smothering. :P I might get myself a cape...maybe even a mask. ;)
And I feel the need to say some positive things about these guys. Because they ARE good guys, and I've been pretty negative in most of these posts...generally because negative emotions make me feel the need to write more than happy ones...
Mike wasn't happy with his job and wanted to make a change in his life, and unlike sooooooo many people in the same situation, he DID something about it...and started this cheese business with his partner, Ed. They experimented with home cheesemaking first, came up with flavors and recipes...and built this business from scratch in just a few years. They're really well known now in Santa Fe and Albuquerque, and their cheese is carried by tons of restaurants and grocery stores. On my trip with Nick I was reading in the guide about restaurants in the area, and I think it was something like 4 out of the 10 restaurants they listed buy cheese from this dairy! Pretty sweet. They also were mentioned in Sunset magazine as a trend-setter for the region, featuring their cheese classes offered monthly throughout the spring and summer. They seem to be really well liked in the community, and have done a crazy-ton of work here to make this a comfortable place for them and their interns. They've been really generous in taking me out to eat and buying me drinks...making sure I get time to wander around Santa Fe...and gave me a bonus after Hawaii and still paid me for the week I took off to AZ. They want to be fair, and have tried to keep me as content as possible here. Ed gives good hugs, and Mike is good at picking out my favorite beers now... And a lot more of the goats have names than I originally thought - as mamas are giving birth they'll say, "Oh, that's Brownie...we got her 5 years ago....blahblahblah" with the story of how they got her, how she got her name, what kids she's had in the past and whether or not she's a good milker. Michael is really good with the goats on a relationship level- he really is a softy, thought finances and staff situations force him to do things he wouldn't prefer to do... I loved bottle feeding the babies with him because he was so gentle and talked to them like I do...Unfortunately he doesn't really have time to do it every day...and I think that's part of the disconnect - when you're running a business and it's growing, it seems you gradually get further and further away from why you started it in the first place. That's been an important lesson in all of this - something to be aware of if/when I start an operation of my own...
Another unexpected realization is that I now don't have any doubts that I could run a farm. I just have to figure out if it really is for sure what I want to do...and if so, then all the details of how to make it happen.
Exciting.
:)
I talked to the wacky lady employee today...she just got back from a trip and was gone the last couple days...and she's had goats for over 15 years. I told her about the milk replacer thing and she told me that Mike and I were both right - Mike was right in that everyone uses it and the goats will probably be okay. I was right in that it's not the best thing for the kids, and if you use it according to the directions they will definitely get scours, which can be potentially serious, so you have to dilute it with almost twice as much water as what the directions ask for. Neither Mike nor I knew that last part. (Tho if it's even more diluted, doesn't that mean all the fats and vitamins they need are diluted as well?) She also says that he'd be crazy to swap them onto milk replacer straight up - that I was right about needing to mix it, but we should do it even more slowly than I'd suggested...because any change in their diet will mess with their systems. So part of me felt sheepish for making a big deal out of it, but also glad that I put up a fuss...since the extra time has revealed a compromise that will be far better for the kids. They're almost definitely going to go on milk replacer at some point, but this way we can start easing them into it very slowly over a period of a week or two instead of overnight. But I still feel like this would be better if they'd planned ahead so we could keep blending the goat and cow milk for the babies until they're sold or switched to solid feeds.
Also, I did not go lay down yesterday after the baby died. I started to, but knew my brain wouldn't stop. So I went and sat out in the barn to monitor the cuddle puddles and listened to an audio book...If a second layer of kids got too thick I'd go scoop them all off...If I heard someone crying I went to poke them. I was out there for a couple hours before feeding and may have saved at least 4 kids from smothering. :P I might get myself a cape...maybe even a mask. ;)
And I feel the need to say some positive things about these guys. Because they ARE good guys, and I've been pretty negative in most of these posts...generally because negative emotions make me feel the need to write more than happy ones...
Mike wasn't happy with his job and wanted to make a change in his life, and unlike sooooooo many people in the same situation, he DID something about it...and started this cheese business with his partner, Ed. They experimented with home cheesemaking first, came up with flavors and recipes...and built this business from scratch in just a few years. They're really well known now in Santa Fe and Albuquerque, and their cheese is carried by tons of restaurants and grocery stores. On my trip with Nick I was reading in the guide about restaurants in the area, and I think it was something like 4 out of the 10 restaurants they listed buy cheese from this dairy! Pretty sweet. They also were mentioned in Sunset magazine as a trend-setter for the region, featuring their cheese classes offered monthly throughout the spring and summer. They seem to be really well liked in the community, and have done a crazy-ton of work here to make this a comfortable place for them and their interns. They've been really generous in taking me out to eat and buying me drinks...making sure I get time to wander around Santa Fe...and gave me a bonus after Hawaii and still paid me for the week I took off to AZ. They want to be fair, and have tried to keep me as content as possible here. Ed gives good hugs, and Mike is good at picking out my favorite beers now... And a lot more of the goats have names than I originally thought - as mamas are giving birth they'll say, "Oh, that's Brownie...we got her 5 years ago....blahblahblah" with the story of how they got her, how she got her name, what kids she's had in the past and whether or not she's a good milker. Michael is really good with the goats on a relationship level- he really is a softy, thought finances and staff situations force him to do things he wouldn't prefer to do... I loved bottle feeding the babies with him because he was so gentle and talked to them like I do...Unfortunately he doesn't really have time to do it every day...and I think that's part of the disconnect - when you're running a business and it's growing, it seems you gradually get further and further away from why you started it in the first place. That's been an important lesson in all of this - something to be aware of if/when I start an operation of my own...
Another unexpected realization is that I now don't have any doubts that I could run a farm. I just have to figure out if it really is for sure what I want to do...and if so, then all the details of how to make it happen.
Exciting.
:)
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
89.
I just ran out to the barn to check on everyone... The pen with the bigger bucks has pretty large openings, so the kids could get in and out...and all the kids that were out of their plywood pens running free in the barn went into the big buck pens and they cuddle puddled in the corner... I pulled all the top ones off and found a pretty fawn colored buck smothered at the bottom. That's the third one so far... Michael told me that he prefers to think they just get sat on while they're sleeping and don't wake up...but the times I've been in the barn while one of them is getting smothered, it's definitely not a peaceful way to go...I've heard several crazy bird screeching sounds and have run over to a pile and tossed kids aside to find one gasping for breath on the bottom... The little buck's head was still sweaty when I picked him up...and he'd peed on himself.
I put as many bigger ones into the plywood pens as I could, but there are still tons out running around... and I don't know what else to do...
They put dead ones in the dumpster. I laid him down next to the two from when I was gone Saturday evening. It feels wrong.
I can't stand it. I am so not cut out for this. I'm going to lay down.
89.
I put as many bigger ones into the plywood pens as I could, but there are still tons out running around... and I don't know what else to do...
They put dead ones in the dumpster. I laid him down next to the two from when I was gone Saturday evening. It feels wrong.
I can't stand it. I am so not cut out for this. I'm going to lay down.
89.
mamabeargoatmama unleashed
I'm not exactly sure how much to say. I don't want this to turn into pointless, rambly ranting or a general bitchfest2011...
Basically, the overarching issue, from my perspective, is that this is a business whose main priority is the production and sale of cheese...the problem here being that they also happen to have a large herd of goats, and a new army of kids - whose welfare, I feel, should be the absolute number one priority trumping pretty much all others. The goats here are fine: they aren't abused or seriously neglected - they are fed twice a day and always have fresh water...they have shelter...and salt licks. These guys really do care about these goats. But, call me crazy, I feel like if you're responsible for bringing a life into the world, you're taking on a solemn vow to do everything you can to care for that life to the best of your ability, and them being "okay" and "fine" doesn't really cut it. Especially when you cause that new life to show up, and then take away its mother. But generally, I've been feeling like the goats' needs come second to the cheese here...so they're missing collars, aren't tagged, hooves need trimming (badly)...the baby pens weren't ready before the babies came, the heat lamps weren't bought, the feeding buckets weren't ready, they didn't have a birthing basket prepared...no colostrum frozen...we frequently run out of some component of their food regmin (despite multiple warnings/reminders) - beans/silage/hay/sweet feed.. I got the impression that the babies coming was kind of a surprise, even though we know goats have a 5 mo. gestation and we know what day the bucks were put in the pen with the does...Simple math here, kids... And that they wait until they run out of something to get more of it, instead of having some on hand should it be needed... It makes everything a crisis...and when you're running a dairy, I feel like feeding your animals should not be a crisis. Anyways...and here I was sitting around for pretty much all of January twiddling my thumbs and doing 2nd grade water colors of sunsets and mountain landscapes. ?!
This week's drama is that they ran out of frozen chevre and don't have enough to fill restaurant orders for the week...and probably next. That sucks. But you know what? This is why businesses keep inventory. Not to be a sass, but...surprise. And I don't mean just having a vague idea of there being some buckets in a freezer somewhere you can pull out when you need them, but like...count the buckets and check them off as you use them? I feel pretty confident that there are some good, simple systems out there for tracking this sort of straight-forward thing... So, no cheese.This means he needs the mamas' milk to make cheese.
This means the babies can't have the mamas' milk.
The solution? They get calf milk replacer.
This means I start fuming out the ears and frothing at the mouth turning all mamabeargoatmama on him.
Everywhere I've read says not to give goats calf milk replacer because it contains a fraction of the vitamins and fats they need in these first weeks, and the extra lactose gives them potentially fatal digestive issues. My boss says we can do 50/50 with milk replacer mixed with goat milk...and this weekend we'll switch them to cow, but for the next few days it'll be too expensive to feed them 100% cow, and he really needs the goat milk for the cheesemaking for the restaurants. I told him that I cannot knowingly give them something that's going to make them feel unwell, and could potentially seriously hurt them. He says that's what they did last year and they just had some diarrhea. (I'd also like to add that we're also only feeding them twice a day, when it's recommended that they be fed at Least 3 times a day in their first month. So they're saying they only get to eat twice a day...which makes them overeat and bloat twice a day, and can cause scours (tho I haven't seen any signs of it thus far), and now we're going to dilute what the kids DO get to eat with something that will give them the runs.) Excuse me?
...I'm sorry. You know what I think? I think that if this whole situation is the result of not being organized or planning ahead, there's absolutely no way I'm cool with passing the consequences off onto some baby goats that didn't even ask to be born (or sold off for probably meat in a week) - even if it's just some diarrhea. I said I just couldn't do it. He says we could do 50/50. I said I might try that, but if there are any symptoms I won't be able to continue. He says he'd just move things around and if there were any problems he wouldn't ask me to feed them.
I decided, but did not say out loud, that if there are serious issues because of this milk replacer, I will leave. There probably won't be, but if there are... I don't care that I'm already planning to leave in two weeks. I just can't deal with it. I realize that this is what the industry does, and that they're "just animals," that they'll more than likely be totally "fine,".......but I really love these kids...even though they probably only know me by my boots and the bucket at my side...but they are sweet and affectionate and such individuals already - like puppies, really. And to have someone say that it's no big deal that we'll be making them sick because we didn't plan well and don't want to spend the money...It makes me sick.
Or perhaps we'll do this half&half thing...and I'll just start diluting all their beers and wine and dinners with water laced with laxatives. You know...weapons of the weak.
One of them half-jokingly said a week or so ago that when they started making cheese they weren't going to be sharing any of "their" milk with the babies - they'd get switched over to cow milk. "Their" milk? Oh, really? If that's your milk, then you better show me your teats, Sir...
It was all I could do to restrain myself from going and pissing in their pasteurizer.
I'm being harsh, I apologize. They're great guys. They care about their goats, but we're just on different wavelengths when it comes to how that translates to caring for their goats. Seems strange that I'm the one advocating for the well-being of animals that aren't even mine... And I've been asking around and reading a lot online, and I'm not overreacting...These are not best practices.
So I wrote all of this last night and saved it, then got up this morning to find that he'd gone out to buy 10 gallons of cow milk from the grocery store - which is far superior to milk replacer for goats... He said he's trying to "appease" me, but I think that not-so-deep down he agrees with me and is going to sigh and roll his eyes and drag his feet and then use me as an excuse for the added expenses...when he knows this is what's best. Because, seriously, if this were your business and some intern told you you were doing something wrong that you knew wasn't wrong, you'd explain that to them and all would be well. Him conceding says to me that he knows that milk replacer is not the way to go... I don't feel at all smug about this little victory. Just rankled that it was even a debate to begin with, and worried about all the other things that will slide here along with hoof-trimming and baby feedings when I'm no longer here to get on their backs about it.
And I realize that most of these issues are not done out of lack of caring or anything - it's just lack of time and money and staff... I guess I just don't have the patience for excuses like that when it comes to the care of living things. :/
When I have a farm I think I will need to produce my own dairy products on the farm...or eliminate them from my diet completely...this extraction-based relationship we have with domesticated farm animals is tearing me up.
Basically, the overarching issue, from my perspective, is that this is a business whose main priority is the production and sale of cheese...the problem here being that they also happen to have a large herd of goats, and a new army of kids - whose welfare, I feel, should be the absolute number one priority trumping pretty much all others. The goats here are fine: they aren't abused or seriously neglected - they are fed twice a day and always have fresh water...they have shelter...and salt licks. These guys really do care about these goats. But, call me crazy, I feel like if you're responsible for bringing a life into the world, you're taking on a solemn vow to do everything you can to care for that life to the best of your ability, and them being "okay" and "fine" doesn't really cut it. Especially when you cause that new life to show up, and then take away its mother. But generally, I've been feeling like the goats' needs come second to the cheese here...so they're missing collars, aren't tagged, hooves need trimming (badly)...the baby pens weren't ready before the babies came, the heat lamps weren't bought, the feeding buckets weren't ready, they didn't have a birthing basket prepared...no colostrum frozen...we frequently run out of some component of their food regmin (despite multiple warnings/reminders) - beans/silage/hay/sweet feed.. I got the impression that the babies coming was kind of a surprise, even though we know goats have a 5 mo. gestation and we know what day the bucks were put in the pen with the does...Simple math here, kids... And that they wait until they run out of something to get more of it, instead of having some on hand should it be needed... It makes everything a crisis...and when you're running a dairy, I feel like feeding your animals should not be a crisis. Anyways...and here I was sitting around for pretty much all of January twiddling my thumbs and doing 2nd grade water colors of sunsets and mountain landscapes. ?!
This week's drama is that they ran out of frozen chevre and don't have enough to fill restaurant orders for the week...and probably next. That sucks. But you know what? This is why businesses keep inventory. Not to be a sass, but...surprise. And I don't mean just having a vague idea of there being some buckets in a freezer somewhere you can pull out when you need them, but like...count the buckets and check them off as you use them? I feel pretty confident that there are some good, simple systems out there for tracking this sort of straight-forward thing... So, no cheese.This means he needs the mamas' milk to make cheese.
This means the babies can't have the mamas' milk.
The solution? They get calf milk replacer.
This means I start fuming out the ears and frothing at the mouth turning all mamabeargoatmama on him.
Everywhere I've read says not to give goats calf milk replacer because it contains a fraction of the vitamins and fats they need in these first weeks, and the extra lactose gives them potentially fatal digestive issues. My boss says we can do 50/50 with milk replacer mixed with goat milk...and this weekend we'll switch them to cow, but for the next few days it'll be too expensive to feed them 100% cow, and he really needs the goat milk for the cheesemaking for the restaurants. I told him that I cannot knowingly give them something that's going to make them feel unwell, and could potentially seriously hurt them. He says that's what they did last year and they just had some diarrhea. (I'd also like to add that we're also only feeding them twice a day, when it's recommended that they be fed at Least 3 times a day in their first month. So they're saying they only get to eat twice a day...which makes them overeat and bloat twice a day, and can cause scours (tho I haven't seen any signs of it thus far), and now we're going to dilute what the kids DO get to eat with something that will give them the runs.) Excuse me?
...I'm sorry. You know what I think? I think that if this whole situation is the result of not being organized or planning ahead, there's absolutely no way I'm cool with passing the consequences off onto some baby goats that didn't even ask to be born (or sold off for probably meat in a week) - even if it's just some diarrhea. I said I just couldn't do it. He says we could do 50/50. I said I might try that, but if there are any symptoms I won't be able to continue. He says he'd just move things around and if there were any problems he wouldn't ask me to feed them.
I decided, but did not say out loud, that if there are serious issues because of this milk replacer, I will leave. There probably won't be, but if there are... I don't care that I'm already planning to leave in two weeks. I just can't deal with it. I realize that this is what the industry does, and that they're "just animals," that they'll more than likely be totally "fine,".......but I really love these kids...even though they probably only know me by my boots and the bucket at my side...but they are sweet and affectionate and such individuals already - like puppies, really. And to have someone say that it's no big deal that we'll be making them sick because we didn't plan well and don't want to spend the money...It makes me sick.
Or perhaps we'll do this half&half thing...and I'll just start diluting all their beers and wine and dinners with water laced with laxatives. You know...weapons of the weak.
One of them half-jokingly said a week or so ago that when they started making cheese they weren't going to be sharing any of "their" milk with the babies - they'd get switched over to cow milk. "Their" milk? Oh, really? If that's your milk, then you better show me your teats, Sir...
It was all I could do to restrain myself from going and pissing in their pasteurizer.
I'm being harsh, I apologize. They're great guys. They care about their goats, but we're just on different wavelengths when it comes to how that translates to caring for their goats. Seems strange that I'm the one advocating for the well-being of animals that aren't even mine... And I've been asking around and reading a lot online, and I'm not overreacting...These are not best practices.
So I wrote all of this last night and saved it, then got up this morning to find that he'd gone out to buy 10 gallons of cow milk from the grocery store - which is far superior to milk replacer for goats... He said he's trying to "appease" me, but I think that not-so-deep down he agrees with me and is going to sigh and roll his eyes and drag his feet and then use me as an excuse for the added expenses...when he knows this is what's best. Because, seriously, if this were your business and some intern told you you were doing something wrong that you knew wasn't wrong, you'd explain that to them and all would be well. Him conceding says to me that he knows that milk replacer is not the way to go... I don't feel at all smug about this little victory. Just rankled that it was even a debate to begin with, and worried about all the other things that will slide here along with hoof-trimming and baby feedings when I'm no longer here to get on their backs about it.
And I realize that most of these issues are not done out of lack of caring or anything - it's just lack of time and money and staff... I guess I just don't have the patience for excuses like that when it comes to the care of living things. :/
When I have a farm I think I will need to produce my own dairy products on the farm...or eliminate them from my diet completely...this extraction-based relationship we have with domesticated farm animals is tearing me up.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Happy Sunday!
Hi All.
Just got back from Albuquerque last night, and stayed at my boss' place north of the dairy. It's been a long week, so I'm halfway sorry for not having written lately...but not really.
So we're up to 85, at last count. The hired lady says we're over 90, but I'm not sure about that, though after the umpteenth bottle during morning feeding, I thought it quite possible that they secretly clone themselves in the back pens while our backs are turned... We were up to 87, but two were smothered in a tragic cuddle puddle yesterday afternoon. One of them was one of my three "Chihuahuas" who look like this:
They're all super tiny...like tea cup chihuahuas...And one little doe got caught on the bottom. I've been paranoid about that, so whenever they start huddling up I go around poking and making sure all hind ends have a corresponding (and responsive) front end. It's easy to see how it happens - the bigger and more assertive ones will crawl right on top of the kids laying on the ground and just hang out on a bed of their siblings and cousins...as if the ground is too cold and hard for them - they need warm fuzzy flesh to rest upon. As someone who very much enjoys being surrounded by soft, warm-fuzzy things, I can see how the top spot would be coziest...but the lack of empathy is disappointing, and in this case, fatal. I also found it disturbing that the people working last night left the two dead babies in the barn in the corner...which meant all the mama goats went right by them as they came in. I wonder if the mamas noticed. :(
Cuddle Puddle pics:
I should have counted them and then had a contest - like guessing the # of M&Ms in a jar - how many baby goats are in this cuddle puddle? :P
We had a rough birth on Thursday morning when Mike was about to leave for Albuquerque to prepare for the Fiery Food Show. He had to give the doe oxytocin again because she wasn't contracting, and had to reach in - the first to come out was already dead and the two others popped out ridiculously fast. The mama kept licking the dead one, and I half-heartedly wiped it with a towel, hoping and hoping that its little white tongue hanging out the side of its mouth was just some strange defect and that with enough rubbing and warmth it would perk up. It was definitely dead...so I gave the mama a live one to care for and wrapped it up in a towel for Mike to take with him when he left...and I continued with the feeding. I did it by myself that morning and for the 84 we had at the time it took me about 5 hrs to feed them all - 6 total, but I was interrupted by two births.
My nighttime hallucinations are out of control. Mike had a pile of clothes in the corner of the guest room I stayed in last night, and while I was half-awake-half-asleep I anxiously dismantled it thinking baby kids were getting smothered on the bottom. :( At the hotel I found the open seam of the duvet cover thinking one had crawled in between the duvet and the comforter and was stuck and having trouble breathing. This is up there with thinking my two crumpled socks on the carpet was a decapitated kid. I'm thinking of asking Ed to write me a prescription for some sort of sedative. Recommendations?
The days are going by crazy fast...so many births... I feel like I spend pretty much all my time feeding babies. I'm up to help with chores at 5:50, start feeding the babies by 6:30, finish by 10:30, clean up and work in the cheese room for a few hours, nap for an hour, then back to feeding at 4:30/5 until 9 or 9:30, 10 if I'm feeding by myself...get everything washed up, eat, go to bed at 10:30...up at midnight to do nighttime check, feed any newborns and mark any new moms, back to bed by 1:30...up again at 5:50. If I had to do this all year, I think I would probably have died a week ago. Totally wiped. But the biggest spike is over, and we're going to chill out on the night checks in the next couple weeks since births have slowed down...
I'm trying to come up with some ways to have more feeding at the same time, so I've started wiring 2 liters to the fence...and just let them fight over it while hoping not all of it spills out of the nipple... Hm. I found an old fence panel this afternoon that I'm going to try to bend and attach a bunch of bottles to... We'll see...
And me with the surviving Chihuahua... <3 She's trying to milk my earlobe. Good luck, kitten.
Random silly pics of the yearlings, whom I have unfortunately been neglecting lately... :( They've gotten biiiiig...and some are pregnant.
The food show was cool. I'm not really into BBQ or super spicey salsas, but it was fun to see so many wacky people decked out in chile paraphenalia. These New Mexicans are way into their chiles. :P
Two full weeks of work, plus a day or two with my friend here...then I'm gone! Unbelieveable.
Miss you all.
<3 Julia.
Just got back from Albuquerque last night, and stayed at my boss' place north of the dairy. It's been a long week, so I'm halfway sorry for not having written lately...but not really.
So we're up to 85, at last count. The hired lady says we're over 90, but I'm not sure about that, though after the umpteenth bottle during morning feeding, I thought it quite possible that they secretly clone themselves in the back pens while our backs are turned... We were up to 87, but two were smothered in a tragic cuddle puddle yesterday afternoon. One of them was one of my three "Chihuahuas" who look like this:
They're all super tiny...like tea cup chihuahuas...And one little doe got caught on the bottom. I've been paranoid about that, so whenever they start huddling up I go around poking and making sure all hind ends have a corresponding (and responsive) front end. It's easy to see how it happens - the bigger and more assertive ones will crawl right on top of the kids laying on the ground and just hang out on a bed of their siblings and cousins...as if the ground is too cold and hard for them - they need warm fuzzy flesh to rest upon. As someone who very much enjoys being surrounded by soft, warm-fuzzy things, I can see how the top spot would be coziest...but the lack of empathy is disappointing, and in this case, fatal. I also found it disturbing that the people working last night left the two dead babies in the barn in the corner...which meant all the mama goats went right by them as they came in. I wonder if the mamas noticed. :(
Cuddle Puddle pics:
I should have counted them and then had a contest - like guessing the # of M&Ms in a jar - how many baby goats are in this cuddle puddle? :P
My nighttime hallucinations are out of control. Mike had a pile of clothes in the corner of the guest room I stayed in last night, and while I was half-awake-half-asleep I anxiously dismantled it thinking baby kids were getting smothered on the bottom. :( At the hotel I found the open seam of the duvet cover thinking one had crawled in between the duvet and the comforter and was stuck and having trouble breathing. This is up there with thinking my two crumpled socks on the carpet was a decapitated kid. I'm thinking of asking Ed to write me a prescription for some sort of sedative. Recommendations?
The days are going by crazy fast...so many births... I feel like I spend pretty much all my time feeding babies. I'm up to help with chores at 5:50, start feeding the babies by 6:30, finish by 10:30, clean up and work in the cheese room for a few hours, nap for an hour, then back to feeding at 4:30/5 until 9 or 9:30, 10 if I'm feeding by myself...get everything washed up, eat, go to bed at 10:30...up at midnight to do nighttime check, feed any newborns and mark any new moms, back to bed by 1:30...up again at 5:50. If I had to do this all year, I think I would probably have died a week ago. Totally wiped. But the biggest spike is over, and we're going to chill out on the night checks in the next couple weeks since births have slowed down...
I'm trying to come up with some ways to have more feeding at the same time, so I've started wiring 2 liters to the fence...and just let them fight over it while hoping not all of it spills out of the nipple... Hm. I found an old fence panel this afternoon that I'm going to try to bend and attach a bunch of bottles to... We'll see...
And me with the surviving Chihuahua... <3 She's trying to milk my earlobe. Good luck, kitten.
Random silly pics of the yearlings, whom I have unfortunately been neglecting lately... :( They've gotten biiiiig...and some are pregnant.
The food show was cool. I'm not really into BBQ or super spicey salsas, but it was fun to see so many wacky people decked out in chile paraphenalia. These New Mexicans are way into their chiles. :P
Two full weeks of work, plus a day or two with my friend here...then I'm gone! Unbelieveable.
Miss you all.
<3 Julia.
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